You've Got Fanmail 3 The Infamy List!
by Melda Burke
Summary: The Hall of Fanfiction Fame and Infamy has been completed. Ellie is offered a promotion. She is to protect the Infamy List, which names criminal writers. However, just when everything seems to be sane, the List is stolen and Marie and the Gang must rescue the Infamy List from the bowls of the Internet. Memes and insanity await our beloved bunch of characters!
1. They're all INFAMOUS!

"I'm baaaaack!"

Snape: Oh, Merlin's balls. Why didn't I savor the break while I had the chance! I need a firewhisky..

Vergie: Ba-Snap. Ba-Snap.

"I think he's trying to tell you something *Giggle* _Snap_.

Snape: My name is Severus Tobias Snape. Not _Snap._ I have a dignified name, child. Use it.

Vergie: Fugger.

*blushes* "Marie! Your son is cursing out Snape again!"

Gimli: That's my boy!

Hatter: Hello, I'm not part of this conversation, but I thought I'd pop up and say hi. Hi! *walks away*

E~ I thought you'd never get it started! Have I threatened you recently?

Cpt. Jack Sparrow: Oi! Tha's too close to my line for comfor'!

E~Shut up. We're waiting for the disclaimer. Melda, just get on with it already. Your friends are giving me a headache.

"I own nothing and will never make any money off of this! Thanks for reading! Now, on with the show!"

Loud bangs and drilling noises sounded behind stretched yellow tape that spanned two large oak doors. In front of those doors sat two young women in light blue outfits complete with vests and hats. They were very obviously attempting to keep the straining doors closed while the construction work went on on the other side. One was very short with wild green eyes and the other was red-headed with a fierce look to her. At their feet lay an infant, only a year old, whaming his hammer-shaped rattle against the ground with surprising force.

"Oh, look, Ellie," Said Marie with a grin like the Chesire Cat (and she knew it was similar because she personally knew that kinky hat-obsessed little wiseass feline). "His peach fuzz is already growing in!"

"What?" Groaned the postmistress beside her. "Don't tell me Vergie's going through puberty already! How in the hell is this half-human half-Dwarf situation supposed to work?"

Marie shrugged and continued to play with her child. "I dunno, but he sure is adorable!" She grinned and cupped her son's face. "Who's got his grandma's goatee? Vergie does!" She smiled fondly as Vergie continued his assualt upon the floorboards of her workplace.

Suddenly, there was a loud crack and a certain hook-nosed professor appeared. His billowing bat-like robes, sallow skin and nasty sneer would have made anyone cower before him...at least until they got a good look at his cargo. For instead of his usual sketchy-looking potions ingredients, he was carrying a basket full of blue baby bottles, bibs, diapers, and other assorted things which are essential to infantile care. "Dumbledore sends his best for that pinkish thing right there." He tapped the top of Dvergatal's head gently. "He wishes to apologize for having to miss its birthday party."

Vergie glared up at the professor and, with all of his strength, he whalopped him in the back of his knee with his plastic hammer so that the toy cracked and Snape was thrown off-balance. He landed smartly on his butt and all of the baby things came crashing down on top of him. A rattle hooked itself on the end of his nose and swung there casually. "I see he takes after his mother. Always causing trouble and pain for me." He growled, but a smirk played with the edges of his lips.

"At least he didn't curse!" Ellie grumbled as she got up to help him to his feet. "I don't approve of using cursewords around children."

Almost, it seemed, to spite his godmother, Vergie let out the mother of all curses and grinned. Marie giggled, but admonished her son. "It's too late for that, Ellie." She said, frowning suddenly as a rather loud crash caused the door to groan and bend out a bit. She pounded on the wood. "Quiet down in there! You're going to bring the place down!" She rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Thank goodness they're nearly done in there. It's taken nearly so long! Anyway, as I was saying, it's much too late. Dwarfen culture, Gimli and my father-in-law tell me, requires that every Dwarfen child have full knowledge of all of the possible cursewords. This includes, shit, the F bomb, ass, and so on. Apparently, they take pride in cursing a blue streak! And that's just the regular ones. We haven't gotten around to teaching him Westron, Elvish or Dwarvish curses yet. "

Ellie just shook her head and sighed. "You and Gimli are one heck of a couple. Six years next week, right?"

Marie grinned and nodded. "He said he's going to do something special." Her friend looked sceptical. "Ellie, you wouldn't believe the Lothario tendancies of a Dwarf! They're so romantic..." She sighed happily and so sappily that even Vergie made a face.

"MAHHH.." He whined.

"Oh, alright, I'll stop." Marie furrowed her brow and glanced behind her. "Hey, does something seem different to you two all of a sudden?"

Snape crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side, listening. "I think that infernal racket has ceased. Thank Circe!"

"Could it be? Are they done?" Ellie exclaimed, jumping up and trying to see through the tiny crack in the doors. Marie and Snape waited for her report with curious and impatient expressions. "Guys...I think it might finally be finished!"

BAM!

Ellie was nearly knocked in the head as the pair of doors slammed open to reveal Incarnadine in his infamous purple robes. Marie clapped with enthusiasm and Vergie giggled and cooed. Ellie shot her boss a stern and aggravated look, but she was too excited herself over this new developement. "Is it done?" She asked.

Incarnadine beamed. "Yes, yes! The Fanfiction Hall of Fame and Infamy is finally finished! It is a wonder! A miracle! A nineth wonder of the world!"

Snape snorted. "There are only seven."

"Nope, there are nine. Your nose is the eighth." Incarnadine laughed uproarously while the professor tapped his foot with a slightly irritated snarl. "Anyway, would you all like to take a tour?"

Ellie was about to agree when she felt a tug on her uniform jacket. Marie was looking up at her with a pout. "We can't go and take the Hall of Fame and Infamy's Tour Virginity without the others! Can we call them on our new phones?" The phones that she was talking about were devices that had been ingeniusly designed by Ellie's brother a few months ago. The phones had the ability to reach over and cross the boundries between Cannons. The idea was to prevent any kind of attack (such as the one by the Sues and by the Red Guy that nobody remembers who went home crying to his mommy). He'd pointed out that the main reason that both of those incidents had happened was because there was a significant lack of effective communication (besides the postmistresses and postmen of Castle Perilous) between them.

And so the EDGARs (Effective Digital Gadgets Are Rare) were born. Using their ultra-super powers and amazing ability to recieve bars even in the wilds of Oompa-Loompa-Land or on the planet Kazoo, they would save the day and defeat the forces of terrible service charges! However, these were only the prototypes and only a few people were trusted with trying them out. Ellie had one. Marie did not. Makes sense, yeah? Several representatives of the serious fandoms with large fanbases were given one, as well.

Ellie, having had the time to consider this while you read the previous two paragraphs, agreed and took out her EDGAR. It was a slim purple device with glowing green buttons and a backlit screen. She typed in the code for Middle-Earth and waited while it rang.

"Hello?" Ellie put it on speakerphone.

"Hi, Arwen!" Marie called out cheerily. "How's Elessar?"

They could hear Arwen laugh. "Asleep. How is your darling Dvergatal?" Out of all of the people who knew Marie, Arwen, Legolas, and Elrond were the only ones to call him by his full name consistantly. It must be an 'Elf-thing'.

"Great! He beat up Snape today! Oooh, and his peach fuzz is starting to come in!" She replied excitedly. This earned a stern reminder from Ellie what she was actually calling about, so she quickly got to the point. "Um, anyway, I was wondering if you could put Aragorn on the line? I need to ask him a question."

Arwen hummed and they all could hear footsteps. There was a quiet "Honey?"...silence. The creak of a door. "Honey?" An unexpected roar ripped through the speakers of the phone and had them all covering their ears. It sounded like a lion or an elephant was being strangled. Was that...sobs? "Sorry about that, Aragorn's busy, dear. He's trying to help the Balrog. Apparently, he's developing a complex."

"What, why?" Ellie said incredulously.

"He thinks he's getting wrinkles and celluloid." Arwen spoke louder over the sobs, which were not so loud, but just as pitiful. "And Dr. Lector refused to give him a facelift."

"Well," Marie chimed in. "Of course it's impossible to do that! He's a being made entirely of shadow and flame!" Everyone stared at her. "What? I thought that since Legolas isn't here that I should pick up his Captain Obvious mantle."

"Couldn't he have Wendy do it? She's a great shadow doctor." Ellie suggested doubtfully. "After all, she managed to sew Peter's shadow back on. But then, she'd probably have to wear some sort of fire-proof gear-"

"Now who's getting off topic?" Marie teased.

"Right, anyway, that's not the point. Is Gandalf free?"

"Yes, he's in the garden with Bilbo. Just a moment. Gandalf!"

"Hello?" Gandalf's voice replaced Arwen's. After a five minute discussion, he accepted the tour invitation and offered to pass the message along to the others. She thanked him and said goodbye. The same basic process repeated itself until everyone of their cross-Cannon friends who owned an EDGAR now knew to come to Castle Perilous to tour the brand-spanking-new Hall of Fame and Infamy.

"And now we wait." Marie plopped down in one of the comfy couches. Snape took a seat beside her, but kept to the opposite end. Incarnadine remained standing alongside Ellie.

He cleared his throat. "Would you two excuse us for a minute? I need to talk to Ellie." He led the young woman out of the room. He didn't say anything until the door was shut. "Now, you must know that you have always been my most trusted employee, " He began with a smile. "Perhaps not my favorite, but you've never failed me and you and Marie make a great team."

Ellie immediately sensed a 'but" coming on.

"But, I think that it's time for you to move up and on. You've been in the same position as Marie for much too long. To tell you the truth, I have been considering promoting you for a very long time. You're not like Marie, Ellie. Marie has a family and has settled down. I don't think she would take a change in position very well." Incarnadine hesitated for a moment, then pulled a thick binder out of thin air with a flick of his wrist. "I know you two have had some great adventures in the past, but it's time to leave that behind. That's why I'm giving you this." He handed the black binder to her with a proud smile.

"What is it?" She inquired. She opened it and saw names written in white ink on black paper. The inside of the cover proclaimed it to be 'The Infamy List'. She swallowed hard. "I-is this..?"

"Yes," He answered solumnly. "It is the list of all of the names of the fanfiction offenders. The most prolific criminal writers on every single fanfiction site in existance, even the private websites, are in the front. They are listed alphabetically and chronologically. In fact, Marie might even recognize a couple hundred of these people who were involved in causing the Battle of the Sues six years ago." He chuckled. "I guess you could call it our version of Santa's Naughty List."

"Do reformed fanfiction authors stay on the Infamy List?"

"Yes and no. They are in the back, under 'Repentant'. They are not considered dangerous or active. If they write a really well-done story, then they might end up on the Fame List." He explained helpfully. "Both Lists are very important to our new wing. The Fanfiction Hall of Fame and Infamy would not be what it is without the Fame and Infamy Lists."

"I see..and how is this supposed to be my promotion?"

"Well, it's not really. You could just call this a trial run. What I'm asking you to do is to hang onto the Infamy List while its showroom is being finished. I have the Fame List in my office, but that's because I trust that it is safe there. You see, there is a possibility that the Infamy List is in great danger." He took the book and flipped through it. Thousands of names...who knew that there were so many terrible fanfiction criminals out there? "These criminals would do anything to get off of this list. Once you are on the list, you may not write any stories. Once a year, there will be a test given to all of those criminals who apply."

"A grammar test?" She guessed.

"In their respective or preferred language, of course." He nodded curtly. "But not just on grammar, but on spelling, avoiding plot holes, et cetera."

"Sounds like a pretty solid system." She said approvingly.

"Oh, it is. I knew you would be the best one for the job, too. Not just because you're my hardest working, most trusted employee, but because of your background. What made you leave the FBI, if I may ask?"

Ellie smiled. She'd been comfortable with the FBI and yes, sometimes she missed it. However, she'd never regreted changing jobs. "Marie...she has to have someone to look out for her." She frowned and glanced down at the binder in her hand. Could she still look out for her admittedly ditzy friend after accepting this promotion? Would taking the Infamy List mean an end to the friendship she valued above all the others?

Her thoughts were interrupted by Incarnadine's quiet chuckle. "Yes, I'm sure. She's a grown woman, though. And she'd managed to take care of herself before you. I think she'd like it if you were to take this opportunity."

Ellie hesitated for a moment more, then she tucked the binder into her uniform. "I'll do it." She said resolutely.


	2. Mommy, Ellie's actin' weird!

E~ Hello and welcome to the third YGF story, chapter 2!

Snape: I'm almost afraid to ask, but why are you here?

E~ Because, my dear professor, it's MY turn to direct the story!

Snape: You're taking turns now?!

Cheshire: Fantastic. I don't suppose you could make hatter share?

Hatter: *Starts cursing in an unintelligible accent*

E~ Um... No. I guess this is what Melda meant when she told me this is harder than it looks... Well, anyway, I own Alex, Fuji, Ellie, and some small elements of the story. Melda owns Marie and the plot. Everything else is owned by... Whoever owns them, I guess. It's not us, anyway. And no profit will be made from blah blah blah you know the drill. Enjoy!

Ellie leaned against the door for a few moments after Incarnadine left. Marie would never ask her to back off and give her space, but what if she was thinking it? Oh God, what if she'd gone to Incarnadine, and that's why he'd given Ellie the promotion?

"Oh, get a grip, she wouldn't do that!" Ellie looked up and Emory, her imaginary friend since age six, was glaring at her with his hands on his hips.

"Emory!" She exclaimed. "I haven't seen you in ages. We - "

"You haven't seen me because you haven't needed me. Now quit moping like a toddler. You are a big girl now. And what do big girls do?"

Ellie's back straightened, and she stood at attention as if giving an official report.

"Big girls fix the problem, excuse themselves, and cry in the corner. Right. I'm gonna go talk to Alex, then. TTFN, Emory!" With that, she spun on her heel and opened the doors to face Hatter, Cheshire, Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn, Willy, Jack Sparrow, Jareth, Snape, Gimli, Marie, and Dvergatal.

"ATTENTION!" She yelled, still in military mode. "We will begin our tour in exactly one hour. Feel free to wander outside until then, but anyone not present when we begin will NOT be allowed in. Is that clear?" After an awkward pause, Marie asked the question on everyone's mind.

"Um... Is something wrong, Ellie? You're acting weirder than him." She gestured to Hatter, who was dancing around his hat and swatting at nonexistent bugs.

"And what's that you're holding?" Legolas added. Ellie's face turned beet red.

"Yeah. I just, well... See you all in an hour, bye!" With that, she hightailed it out of the room, not pausing to look back.

A few minutes later, she ran into Alex's workshop.

"Alex, I - Oops, sorry!" She quickly averted her eyes as Alex and his boyfriend, Fuji, put their shirts back on.

"You do realize that we're boys, right? It's not considered indecent to see our chests." Fuji snapped, irritated at being interrupted. This earned him such an intense, angry look from Alex that he quickly apologized and fled the room.

"So whatcha need? If it's a different color EDGAR, you're out of luck I can't do much of anything with the EDGARs until my computer is fixed. Stupid virus. He glared at the computer as if he could frighten the malware away. Ellie sighed.

"It's not that, though that is a problem. Incarnadine promoted me." Alex stared at her.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't promotions usually make a person happy?"

"Not when he does it to give Marie space. Oh well. It's only a trial run. So can you build something for me without the computer? I'd like a locked case for this." She held out the binder.

"Sure thing. And don't sweat it, El. I heard about what Incarnadine was going to ask you to do earlier. If his only purpose was to separate you two, he would've done a lot more than just adding protecting a book to your duties." They grinned at one another.

"I don't know why he didn't just slip it into my book collection. No one has EVER managed to steal a book from me!"


	3. Shit Happens More Often Than We'd Like

"Hello, again! It's me, Melda!"

E~ I am also here, don't forget me!

"Of course not, dear! Thanks for writing the chapter 2!"

Willy: I miss the rest of the cast.

Jack: I miss my rum. Rum! Rum! Wherefore ar' thou, Rum?

"You just misquoted Romeo and Juliet, ."

Jack: Naw, I 'ave i' on good authority tha's how tha' quote goes!

Willy: Who did you ask?

Jack: Er..I'm no' inclined to acquiese to yer request...

"This is just silly. Let's get the disclaimer overwith so that I can post this! I own nothing, I get no money from writing this and E~ is super-de-dooper awesomesauce on the ice cream of the world. Just thought I'd slip that in there... Anyway, on with the show!

Marie sat on the black leather couch with Vergie perched on her lap. She absently stroked his fuzzy head while lost in thought. She glanced at the clock. It was nearly time for the tour, where was Ellie? She'd left so suddenly and had acted so strangely..."You look worried." An indiiferent baritone rumbled in her ear.

She turned to face Snape. He was reclined slightly and was teasing Vergie by gently poking his feet. He was also noticably smirk-free. She forced a grin. "Worried? Why would I be worried? I'm not worried! I mean, Ellie just came in practically shouting at everyone and not in the way she usually does. Then she went kinda pale and ran out...why should I be worried?"

"You're rambling!" Hatter pointed out in a sing-song voice.

"Don't worry, love." Gimli patted her head soothingly. "She's fine. Incarnadine probably just tried to show her his robe collection." There was a collective shudder. Incarnadine was a notoriously flamboyant dresser with a wardrobe that, as Snape would say, would put Lockhart's to shame.

"I dunno.." She said uncertainly. She was going to say more, but was cut off by the appearance of said flamboyantly dressed monarch. "Speak of the devil and he shalt appear." She mumbled as he sauntered up to the small group.

"Is this really everyone? What happened to rest of you?" He asked with surprise. "Weren't there about ten more of you?"

"Boromir was busy with his fencing class." Aragorn explained. "He's teaching fencing to poor fangirls who have failed in proper swordmanship terminology. Pippin and Merry are with him and teaching a cooking class."

"How sweet!" Marie said.

Aragorn tried to smother a snicker, but failed. "They're not doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. They're on probation for larceny. Apparently, Farmer Maggot finally decided to press charges."

"L refused because he's working on processing the fact that he only has 23 days more to be a living character. Also, Hellboy's with Liz because she's having his Hellspawn. And most of the others can't come because they don't have EDGARs yet and there was no way we could ever get to most of them in an hour." Interjected Jareth.

"Why isn't Ellie here yet?" Legolas asked. "It's 11:59. She's very prompt."

As if on cue, Ellie burst through the door. She definitely looked a lot better than she had before. There was color in her cheeks and a strange light in her eyes. "Alright, everyone's here! So let's get going!"

They marched through the doors and into the Fanfiction Hall of Fame and Infamy. As soon as they walked in, the doors shut with a resounding boom behind them and they were left in almost utter darkness. Incarnadine whispered a word and the hall lit up brightly. It was indeed a Hall, well actually a hallway. Just a straight hallway with several doors leading off to the side. "This castle is more of a maze than my Labyrinth." Jareth commented. He and the others stared all around in obvious awe.

Incarnadine smiled proudly. "Just look at the walls! What do you see?"

Marie was the first to notice. "They're words!" Indeed. The walls had at first seemed to be wallpapered with horizontal stripes, but when closely scrutinized it became clear that lines of text decorated them.

"There are entire stories written on these walls, my dear." Incarnadine ran his hands over the wall. "Some of them are even about your friends. Come along, still so much to see!"

Meanwhile, Alex was in his tower working on Ellie's safebox. He had created it from a spare safe that he'd found gathering dust in a corner somewhere. He'd done away with the dial and replaced it with an EDGAR code scanner. Besides that, he had added a device which could connect to the Internet via Ellie's EDGAR.

However, he could only check to see if this would work by doing a run-through with his computer. His laptop was sadly out of commission at the moment. Wait a minute..."For a genius, I am an idiot." Alex muttered, then pressed the intercom button labelled 'Library'. "Jeremy, come up to the tower please. I need your help."

"Okay, just a minute. I'm helping Ozzy put away some books." Said Jeremy's static-laden voice.

Once the computer savvy technician was in the tower, Alex pointed to the problem. "Please get rid of the virus. It is getting in the way of my work."

Jeremy immediately picked it up and took a look. "It must be a real toughie if you're calling me for help, Alex." He ran a scan. "Whatchya workin' on, buddy?"

"Something for Ellie. She got promoted, you know." He informed the other man, his chest puffed up with pride. "The reason for her promotion is in this box." He patted the black suped-up safe and it sparked. "Huh..that's not supposed to happen." He shrugged it off. "Probably just static. How's that scan coming along?"

Jeremy smiled and showed him the screen. "Seriously, man? This virus was just a pathetic malware worm. Absolutely ancient and super easy to get rid of. I thought this was at least a Trojan or something."

Alex blushed. "Computers and I don't get along very well."

"Whatever." Jeremy rolled his eyes playfully. He sat the laptop atop the safe. "Go ahead and do what you need to do so that I can get back. I'm scheduled to pull a portal into the library within the next ten minutes."

Alex brought up the Internet page. "You know what would make this thing even safer?" He asked Jeremy excitedly. "If you could put a spell on it. Come on, Jerry. You've always been better at magic than me. Put a protection spell on that'll send whoever tries to break into it to Kingdom Come!"

"Erm, not sure about Kingdom Come, but it'll give the person a real shock." Jeremy rolled up his sleeves. "I was taught this one by an old Witch doctor in the wilds of Africa."

"You've never been outside of Maine, Jerry."

The techie gave a lopsided grin. "Yeah, but I was tryin' to act mysterious." He took a deep breath. "Here goes nothing! Alavibloom Rhysdaviesaroo bippido bopiddy diddly do culatur snorkaroo!" Teal bolts of liquid energy dripped from his fingers and spread over the surface of the safe.

The safe began to shake violently back and forth and emitted strange noises. The EDGAR code scanner beeped and booped as an alarming amount of smoke seeped from it. Several sparks jumped and snapped, one of them managed to catch Jeremy's pantsleg on fire. He yelped and grabbed Alex's glass of red wine to douse it.

"NOOO! Don't use the wine!" Alex begged.

"My leg is burning, I'm using the frickin' wine!" He dumped the entire glass over the tiny flame. He sighed in relief and examined his scorched clothes. "That is the last time I go along with one of your ideas."

"Never mind about that, just take a look at this!" Alex pointed at the melted Edgar scanner with dismay. "I spent an hour wiring that thing! That's a long time for me!"

"What about Ellie's promotion thingy?" Jeremy kicked the useless, smoking device off the safe. The door to the safe easily drifted open. The inside was empty!

"What. The. Hell?" Alex shouted. "Where did it go? Oh no, I can't have lost it! Poor Ellie! I'm so sorry, Ellie!"

"Get it together, man!" Jeremy shook his friend, trying to get him to calm down. Someone should have told him that shaking isn't the best way to calm a panicked person down. "Are you sure you didn't just forget to put the darn thing in?"

"No, I know that I put it in there." Alex bit his lip. That was when he caught sight of his computer. The cord that had linked it to the EDGAR scanner was charred, but the computer appeared unharmed. In fact, the Internet page was still up. "Wait, what's that?"

Another window had popped up. The topic bar read DOWNLOAD TO INTERNET COMPLETED. Lines and lines of Binary populated the window. Before their eyes, the window closed itself and the Internet window went blank. An error message replaced it.

Jeremy and Alex glanced at each other. "You don't think-?"

Alex nodded. "We're in deep shit."

"..and this is your section." King Incarnadine opened the door to the left. In the corner was a stuffed replica of the rabid Plot Bunny that had Legolas had taken down. In the middle of the room was a bronze statue of Marie, Aragorn, Legolas, Ellie, Jareth, Willy, Jack (bottle of rum in hand), Snape, and Hatter (teacup in hand).

"They made me look like Cyrano de Bergerac!" Snape growled dangerously.

"Nose? Nay, a peninsula!" Quipped Marie as she bounded into the room to explore further. "Better Cyrano de Bergerac than Pinnochio." She picked up a familiar device. "Hey, I remember this doo-dad. This helped you guys rescue me! Don't you use this anymore for other postpeople who get lost?"

"No, because other people have the sense to wear their uniform, Marie." Incarnadine tapped a glass box. "See this? It's a compilation of your adventures!"

"You've Got Fanmail?" Marie frowned. "What a weird thing to call a book. Wasn't that an episode of Victorious?"

Incarnadine sniffed, more than a little miffed. "I was the one that suggested the title."

Marie wasn't listening, though. She was grinning at a picture painted of her friends at the height of their adventures. "There's Morpheus!" A finger to her lip, she searched out others. "And there's Eddie!" She skipped over Edward Cullen as if his Sparkling Majesty didn't exist. "And there's Father Anderson..heehee, he's trying to throttle Alucard and Alucard is laughing..."

"That reminds me, how is the annullment going?" Snape turned to Ellie, who smirked.

She examined her nails. "Oh, that old chestnut. Done and over with, thank goodness. I had Father Anderson do it. He was happy to do it because it pissed Alucard off majorly."

"Piss!" Vergie parroted, cackling. "Shit! Co-" Marie covered his mouth.

"Not here, honey. There are sensitive ears. We are not in the mine, dearest." She picked him up and he pouted.

"Your son is a pain in the-"

"ASS! HEEEHEEEHEEE!" Dvergatal burst out laughing again and his mother had a hard time quieting him.

Gimli had the decency to look somewhat embarrassed. "We're trying to get him to say it _only_in the mine. There's no use in trying to keep it from him. Although, until he learns...this is going to be somewhat awkward. I apologize in advance."

"This is why children shouldn't learn curse words." Ellie sighed. "They have no filter."

"Neither does Marie." Snape reminded her. "He's probably worse because of that."

Marie ignored him and led the procession out of the room into the one across the hall. "What's this place?" There were three statues in the room. One was a girl in suspenders with a snaggle-tooth smile and pockmarked face, she was holding a pen and frozen in the act of writing viciously on a piece of paper.

"This is the room dedicated to three of the most terrible fanfiction authors EVER." Incarandine tapped the suspendered girl. "This is JoBekke."

"I've read that fanfic. She deserves to be served in a Sue Stew." Marie stuck out her tongue at the offending statue. She went to the next one and gasped. "PIgglieSquigglie35 is here too? No wonder. I've read Hunger Games High. It was...painful. I popped an eye vessal because of her."

"SlurtieflirtydupdieElf982341324358373748789438377 37 is here, too." Incarnadine frowned at the square-jawed, mannish girl clutching a truncheon. "When we brought her in for questioning related to her fanfiction activities, she put two of my employees in the hospital before accidentally knocking hereslf unconcious."

"How did she do that?"

"She saw a poster of you, Legolas, and thought it was the real thing. She ran full speed into the stone wall that it was taped on." Incarnadine ushered them back out of that room and was about to show them the next when they all heard frantic shouts coming from behind.

"What is going on?" The monarch demanded when he saw that it was only the resident Inspecter Gadget (Incarnadine had strange nicknames for his some of his favored employees) and Jeremy the techno-genius.

Alex and Jerry shared a glance, a silent conversation went on between them until they reached a mutual agreement. "Um..nothing. Can I borrow my sister for a while? It's urgent!"

Ellie walked back to the waiting room with them. "This had better be important. Did you spill your tea all over your worktable, again? I told you, it's easy to clean up. All you've got to do is take a washcloth and-"

He took up her hands. "No, no, no! That's not it at all!" Alex looked down, ashamed of himself. "I tried to help you out with protecting the Infamy List. I even designed a safe specifically for it with an EDGAR code scanner that was set to open only to your code. But..but, then I tried something stupid." He bit his lip and blinked. "I'm sorry, El, but I didn't think that was enough, so I asked Jerry to put a spell on it that would deter anyone else from coming near the thing."

"And?" She could feel a lump of fear rising in her throat. "What happened?"

"We were connected to the Internet to try and check the effectiveness of the security." Jeremy told her because Alex was overcome with guilt. "The spell somehow had an adverse effect on the safe and the mix of technology and magic must have caused the...accident."

"What accident? Just tell me in plain English what the heck is going on instead of trying to beat around the bush!"

"We think we managed to accidently download the Infamy List onto the Internet." Jeremy winced at her dumbfounded expression. "I'm sorry, Ellie. We were just trying to help-"

"I'm not mad." She took a deep breath. "I'm just..I don't know. You realize what this means, right? There are thousands of fangirls on that List, you two. Thousands. And now every single one of them has the means to erase their names from the List. They might not find it now or even tomorrow, but if even one of them finds out about this, then eventually they will ALL know. And they could possibly take their revenge."

Jeremy gulped. "Revenge?"

"Badfics will breed like evil plot bunnies. They will overcome the entirity of the good stories out there and there is the possibility that fanfiction as a practice might have to be shut down for the sake of the sanity of every fan." She pinched her nose. "And just when I thought things were going smoothly!"

"I'm really, really sorry, El." Alex was practically tearing up over the thought that he'd upset his sister.

"It's not your fault, Alex. It was an accident. Shit happens." She said, smiling weakly. "Well, I guess the only option left is to retrieve the List from the Internet."

"I'm not going to let you do it alone!" Ellie turned around to see Marie behind her, Vergie in tow, grinning like the madwoman she was. "I heard everything. Don't even think you're going to do this on your own, babydoll!" Ellie blanched and tried to protest, but Marie stopped her. "I already figured it out. That's what Incarnadine wanted to talk to you about, right? He wanted you to keep the List safe. I understand, it's okay. I won't tell."

Ellie let out a sigh of relief. "You know, I think that sometimes I underestimate you."

Marie only shrugged. "It's easy to do. Now, I think the others are almost done with the tour so we can tell them in a few minutes once the boss is gone on his way." She put a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Don't worry, we can get the List back before anything goes wrong."

Now Alex really did start to sniffle. "You two are just so adorable!" He announced, embracing them both in a crushing hug. "I believe we can do it!"

"We've saved the Cannon-verse before, we can do it again!" Marie assured them all. "Besides, how hard can a trip through the Web be, anyway?"

If you're looking for famous last words, those would be IT.


	4. Jareth's Large and In Charge

E~ Hey. It's my turn again, so... yeah. Neither me nor Amanda own -

Jareth: Darling, you can't just say the disclaimer. We have to have banter first.

Snape: Ignore him! I for one am proud that at least ONE person around here is learning to be responsible and get straight to the point without any nonsense!

E~ I used to have socks that said "no nonsense" on them... la la laaaaa~

Jareth: It appears you've scared her out of whatever ailment was causing her to , Snape!

Snape: I hate you all *storms away*

E~ Is he gone yet?

Jareth: Yes. He ran like the very bog was at his heels.

E~ Fantastic. Are you satisfied with the pointless content of this disclaimer now?

Jareth: Indeed.

E~ Perfect. And I'll grant you a wish if you promise not to tell anyone I was almost mature.  
Jareth: Deal. I want an appearance in this chapter.

E~ Fair enough. I own my OCs, Amanda owns her OCs and the plot, neither of us owns anything else.

"Alright, you maggots, listen up!" Ellie was back in military mode, and had even put on a black uniform with her symbol, a seven-sided triangle (Yes, it can happen!), stitched on the shoulder. Marie had gathered everyone for a meeting to discuss getting the list back.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it - and you all do -" She glared at Fuji, who'd risen to leave. "Will be to retrieve the Infamy list which was sent to the internet by these two idiots here." She gestured to Alex and Jereomy, who both had on DUNCE caps and sat on a separate bench labeled "The Seat Of Shame".

"Our current plan is shown here." A projector screen that Hatter had found God-knows-where showed a cartoon depiction of the group, a computer, the list, and Incarnidine. Ellie pulled out a pointer and tapped the images in order.

"First, we go into the internet. Second, we get the book. Third, we bring it back, return it to Incarnidine, and pretend none of this ever happened."

"Oh! Can we pretend that nothing ever happened? Ever?" Hatter asked.

"Who put sugar in his tea? He'll be even more unbearable now!" Snape groused.

"Ahem! I realize that we don't stand a Sidhe's chance in the Under Dark of staying on task, so I'm appointing Jareth in charge of all digressions that can't be handled by myself or Marie." Ellie declared. A chorus of "No fair!" and "Why him?" rose up from the party.

"Not that I'm not flattered, but why me indeed?" Jareth asked while juggling his crystals.

"Heehee. Didn't you read the disclaimer? You were promised a part in this chapter." Marie pitched in. While everyone debated over Jareth's new position and the effectiveness of blackmail when everyone can read about it, Ellie and Alex drew the symbols for a group transport into the internet on the floor. Gandalf had offered to help, but was currently suspended from opening portals after YGF 2.

Finally, Snape shouted "Let's just go already!" and looked up to realize they were already in the internet. Ellie was going through her web history to find a page likely to help them on their mission. She tapped a button and the scenery suddenly blinked from the sterile whiteness of Google to a colorful map of the world.

"Where are we?" asked Legolas, who didn't know enough about what was going on the point out anything obvious.

"I know! I know! This is Scandinavia and the World, right?" Marie hopped up and down cheerfully.

Ellie nodded. "If we have to face rabid fangirls, I want Åland, Finland, and Svalbard with me." At that moment, a white-haired, athletic-looking dude walked by with a demon on a leash.

"Oh, hi El. What's up?" He asked.

"Hi Iceland. We're collecting the badasses for a quest. Do you - " She was interrupted by Dvergatal, who ran to play with the restrained demon.

"Heehee. Demon!" He giggled. Instead of being afraid for her son, Marie clapped her hands enthusiastically.

"Mister Iceland, would you mind watching Dvergatal for awhile. He likes your pet soul-muncher, and we really don't want him seeing certain parts of the internet, yet." Iceland got a far off look on his face.

"I don't babysit. Not after what happened with my kids..."

"One is just ashes, and the other is buried to deep to dig up, right? But what if he promises not to jump on your bed?" Ellie asked. After ten minutes of bickering and Hatter asking to see the penis museum, Iceland agreed to watch Dvergatal.

"Okay, now what were we here for again?" Asked Gandalf as the walked away.

"I can't remember... Jareth! You were supposed to keep us from getting sidetracked!" Ellie yelled. "Oh whatever! Let's just check my email."


	5. There's Never Enough Rope

"Hiya, folks!"

Snape: Oh no, I like you even less than your compatriot.

"Arschloch."

CandleJ: Did I hear my name?

*Shakes nervously* Ahh, no , sir. I just...called Snape something in German.

CandleJ: Oh, sorry.

Snape: Who the hell are you?

CandleJ: I am He Who Must NEVER EVER Be Named. Like, ever.

Snape: You are not!

CandleJ: Are too. Say my name and find out. *Chuckles*

"No, don't!" *Tries to muffle Snape's mouth*

CandleJ: My name is-

Marie: Shush, or you'll spoil the chapter for everyone!

CandleJ: Oh, sorry.

"I own nothing! Well, except for my OCs and the plot."

The world of Ellie's email was a strange and backward world. From end to end of the stark white walls there were messages stacked haphazardly miles into the infinite ceiling. The most recent ones were being crushed beneath the weight of the others and the edges were pixelated in a mockary of the fraying of roughly handled UPS packages. Marie, feeling sorry for the mistreated abandoned messages, picked up a rather chubby one and cuddled it.

"You never open your mail." She admonished Ellie while petting the forlorn email as if it were a cat. "You're going to be the cause of psychological problems because of your abandonment!"

Ellie, unaffected by the negelected mail, raised an eyebrow. "Well, if you're so Pro-Email-Rights, why don't you open it for me?"

Marie grinned and pressed the levitating button beside her chosen chubby email. She frowned. "Who is 'Thatdamnbastard' supposed to be?"

Ellie's eyes suddenly went wide with alarm and she lunged for the email. "No, Marie, WAIT! Don't touch that button!" But it was too late as Marie, in her curiousity, had already done the deed. The email loaded quickly and cheerfully, happy to be of use. With an overenthusiastic 'bleep!', what must have been a foot of text suddenly appeared on a hovering page.

Marie read a few sentences and went red. "Err..." She giggled shyly. "How is that even possible?" She wondered aloud as Ellie fought through a toppled pile of emails to get to her. Marie read even further and soon she was red as a tomato. "I've read the Kama Sutra, Ellie." She said to her friend who had mangled several spams to get to her. "But...I've never heard of _that_ kind of stuff before. Is it something Alucard came up with?"

Ellie, who was redder than Marie, snatched back the email and savagely pressed the delete button. The email perished with a sad 'bloop'. "ARRRRGGGHHHH!"

"Are you alright?"

Ellie paced the length of her email room and each step was forceful as if she were trying to break through the floor of the Internet. "I told him!" She shouted, hands waving in the air wildly. "He has a restraining order! He isn't supposed to contact me!" She grabbed ahold of Marie's uniform and shook her like a rag doll. "IT IS SO CREEEEEPY!"

Marie patted her head soothingly. "But, dear, it's Alucard. Being creepy is practically his _job_."

Ellie sank to the floor. "You weren't there, Marie! WE WENT TO LAS VEGAS! HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO LAS VEGAS WITH A CRAZY VAMPIRE FULL OF LUST? AND NOT JUST THE REGULAR LUST EITHER! IT HAD TO BE BLOODLUST, TOO!" Marie shrugged weakly, blissfully unaware of the ravenous appetites of vampires in both appropriate and inappropriate contexts. Ellie shuddered. "It is impossible to un-see things, Marie. But what I wouldn't give for a bottle of brain-bleach."

Hatter popped up beside them both with two white jugs labelled Blorox. "Regular or extra-strength?" He asked, offering the bottles with a smile.

Ellie blinked slowly. "You're half-mad, but you are absolutely brilliant!" She gave the milliner one of her rare (and highly sought-after) hugs out of desperate gratitude. "So I just pour this over my head?" She examined the directions. "Wonderful!"

Marie turned to Tarrant. "I'm not one to ask questions, but where in the world did you get that?"

The Mad Hatter gave her a pained smile in return. "Tha' bluty cae' 'as tried many a thing tae ge' mah 'at."

Marie mulled this over, then decided that she truly didn't want to know anything about the brain-stains that Chessur had inflicted upon her friend. Some things were better left undisturbed. After all, she enjoyed keeping her innocence. "Well, I'm just really glad we left Vergie with Iceland. I'm sure that he's doing age-appropriate things with that nice country."

Meanwhile, at Iceland's place...

Iceland's demon (whose real name was Modreapharonaton) had been christened (hah) by the still verbally challanged half-Dwarf child as Muddereffer. Muddereffer was unofficially Vergie's new pet. "Muddereffer mead Bobber?" Which translated from Vergie-ese to English as 'Have you ever met Bubba, Modreapharonaton?'.

"Dvergatal!" Called Iceland. "I'm ordering a movie and I've got popcorn, come on and let's watch it together!" The Scandanavian country scrolled through the PPV channels movie descriptions. "Oo!" He said excitedly on finding something promising. "Guts 'N Gore 4, that sounds promising and healthy for an infant." He quickly ordered it and screams immediately began issuing from the sound system. "I'm sure that this will in no way give him nightmares."

"My mother senses are tingling." Marie said suddenly.

Snape snorted and rolled his eyes. "Ripping off Stan Lee is unhealthy for your creativity, Marie."

Marie huffed. "My creativity is perfectly healthy, thank you. I let it run wild for 26 hours a day and give it plenty of carrots. Not to mention a nice dose of orange juice and potato salad."

"Ah LURV potato salad." Hatter announced, spontaniously doing a Mexican Hat Dance with a random sombrero. "Potato, potato, potato, potato, potato! Potato, potato, potato, TEAAAAAAA!"

"Wow, I didn' know tha' hidin' me rum in 'is tea kettle would make 'im ac' like tha'." Jack observed with interest. "Is tha' how I ac' when I'm drunk as a lord?"

Legolas was staring at Marie, while Aragorn angrily confronted the pirate. "You mean to tell me that this-" He pointed at poor Tarrant, who had suddenly passed out mid-dance and was lying flat on his face. "Is your doing?"

"If I said yes, would somebody give th' poor wanker ah breath mint?" The captain asked of the others, motioning to Aragorn. The Ranger's hands clapped over his mouth.

"Oh, give him a break. "Wonka said. "I'm sure that it is hard to find time for personal hygiene when protecting a world from a supernatural megalomaniac."

"Is that sarcasm dripping from thine lips?"Jareth smirked at the chocolatier. "Or merely empathy mixed with envy as your father was a dentist who, I'm sure, would not allow a single meal to pass with at least a mouth wash routine?"

"Why is everyone so snappish?" Marie asked of no one in particular.

"I call it , it's a disease that causes bouts of sarcasm, sensitive snappishness, grammar mistakes, and senseless rants about stupid things." Said an unfamiliar voice. "It is, in fact, a side effect caused by my presence."

"Who's there?" Everyone was immediately on alert as a man in a beige suit came striding forward.

"Hello, I am Trollolol Rageface Derp Herp the Snarky, esquire." He held out his hand and Aragorn made to shake his hand, only to be shocked by a joy buzzer and fall to the floor. "Sorry, bub, part of the job." He stepped over the zapped Ranger. "You may call me Mr. Troll . And I'm here to be a pain in the ass."

Ellie surged forward like a wave, obviously incensed. "A Meme? What the hell is a Meme doing in my email?"

Mr. Troll gave her a look that said 'seriously?' and shook his head. "I am a Meme. By my very definition, I am _everywhere_."

"Are you tagging along?"

Mr. Trollrolled his eyes. "Are you an idiot? Of course I am, you little Derpina." Marie, who did not take criticism well, gave him a hurt glare and snuggled up to her husband.

"If you stick around, then we'll have to continue to deal with this silly bickering! It'll make a mess of everything!" Ellie growled threateningly. "And if you insult Marie again, I'll do some very violent things which would raise the PG-13 rating to an R."

Mr. Troll shrugged indifferently. "I am apathetic to your feelings on the matter. I intend to stay, although I do suppose you have a small point. I will turn off the effects, mostly because I am serving myself an incredible amount of amusement due to your bumbling antics."

Aragorn had recovered from his shock and was being leant a steadying hand by Legolas. "We don't exactly have a choice. Memes are quite powerful, you know." Mr. Troll smirked a smirk that made Snape glower at him in envy. "Maybe if Gandalf were here we could get rid of him, but I'm afraid we are stuck with him since he's determined to stay."

They all glared at Mr. Troll. Unaffected, he smiled amiably and conjured a soda and cinema candy. "Oh, don't mind me. I'll just be right behind you all. Mocking and entertaining myself with derisive comments about various things concerning each of you. Please, do carry on."

"I hate him already." Muttered Gimli. He spat a Dwarvish curse at , who merely smiled amicably.

"You know, I'm wondering what happened to Svalbard and the others." Legolas mused, looking around. "We landed in their cannon, but we seem to have lost them in the transition to your email, Ellie."

"What are you talking about?" Ellie seached the entirity of her email room, even going so far to heave the newly concious Tarrant to his feet in order to look under him. She began to panic. "Wait, where in the world are they?"

"A better question would be where are Alex and Jereomy." Marie piped up. "They've disappeared as well!"

"Haha, you are all such idiots that you've managed to lose half your cast already!" Jeered Mr. Troll.

"Shut up!" Ellie snapped. She turned all over email over, toppling entire mountains of junkmail, spam, and messages as she combed through a second time. "They've got to be here somewhere!"

"I found rope!" Hatter slurred happily, holding up a thick length of it. "It says Property of Candlejack. Who bluty hell is Candle-"

Out of the blue, a floating scarecrow-like entity appeared. His head was covered by a sackcloth bag with eyeholes and a jagged mouth cut out of it. He grabbed Hatter and tied him up neatly with the rope.

Mr. Troll snickered. "Hahaha! You were caught by Candlejack!" His snickers dried up when he realized what he had done.

Candlejack grinned. "I'm gonna need more rope."


	6. Too Much Good (Brain Bleach Gone Bad)

E~ ...  
Snape: What? Why are you just sitting there like a buffoon?  
E~ I have to come up with something entertaining for the disclaimer, but I can't...  
Hatter: Let me guess. You didn't follow the directions on the label of the Blorox, did you? E, you should know better!  
Snape: Since when are you sane enough to scold?  
E~ That's my fault. I put an incredibly high dose of anti-psychosis drugs in his tea. It seems to be working.  
Marie: I know I'm going to regret asking, but why did you have those just lying around?  
E~ ... Melda and I own our OCs and the plot. Everything else belongs to other (rich and famous) people. Okay, on with the story.  
Marie: But you didn't explain -  
E~ I SAID ON WITH THE STORY!

As Candlejack and Mr. Troll began to struggle, Marie started attending to the emails.  
"Ellie, you really should clean out your email once in awhile. Even being deleted is better than languishing here forever." Ellie joined her, ruthlessly deleting anything from Alucard on sight. She had to shout a reply over Mr. Troll's screaming.  
"I know. But who has the time? Besides, it's really hard to get computer time considering I don't have one of my own and Alex, Jereomy, and Alyssa tend to hog the public one." Just then, Mr. Troll managed to free himself from Candlejack's ropes.  
"Thanks for trying to help me, you jerks!"  
"You're welcome!" Several people chimed in response.  
"We should probably be going now, but first I must ask. Why was there a rope belong to this Candlejack fellow here in the first place?" Snape barely finished his sentence before said ropes flew around his legs. The group heaved a collective sigh as the fighting and yelling started all over again. Since, they couldn't well leave until Snape was free, but the ropes kept them from intervening, Ellie tried the Blorox.  
"Well, we can't go anywhere until they're done, so I might as well get this over with. Okay, just a cap's worth..." Unfortunately, the fight, which had taken dust-cloud-moving-around-with-arms-and-legs-poppin g-out form, knocked the jug out of her hand and sent the contents splashing into her face.  
"Ellie!" A chorus of voices rang out as everyone rushed to help her. After a few seconds, the Blorox sank into her skin and she removed her hands from her face. Staring at the group of people surrounding her, she scowled.  
"What are YOU looking at?" Her stare was accusing, and the threatening aura that usually only appeared when she was really angry seemed to settle around her.  
"Get out of my email. This instant! And that includes you two!" Ellie grabbed Snape and Candlejack, separated them, and lit the latter on fire when he tried to struggle free.  
"Ellie? Are you feeling alright?" Marie took a tentative step forward. Ellie's back straightened as she turned to face her friend.  
"My name is Eleanor Vidya Forrester. Not Ellie. I don't know why you think such childish names are appropriate, but I will not tolerate any nonsense. Now why are you people still here?"  
"She doesn't remember us." Legolas exclaimed.  
"Hatter! How do we undo the brain bleach?" Aragorn snapped at Tarrant. Checking the label of the bottle, Snape groaned.

"This is class five extra strength. The only way to even partially return her memories is to have her re-meet Marie under similar circumstances to the ones they originally met under. If it works, she'll start to remember her adventures with Marie and, hopefully, everyone she met along the way." Everyone turned to Marie.

"Well? How did you two meet?" Jareth demanded. Marie shifted awkwardly.

"It all started when..."


	7. It's Best to Begin at the Beginning

Hellooooo, my pretties!

Snape: Stop. You're giving me flashbacks of shit-picking monkeys.

I'll get you, my pretty! And your big-ass nose, too!

Snape: Enough about the nose, already! Yes, I realize that I have a large nose. Yes, Cyrano De Bergerac's nose was a pimple compared to my snoz. NOW SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO YOUR POTIONS ASSIGNMENT!

Are you having teacher flashbacks, too? I'm not a student of yours, so *sticks out tongue* there."

Marie: We really do pick on him too much.

Speaking of picking...*turns to Snape* how does one do it with that sort of nose? I'm sure if I had your nose, then I'd probably end up losing my finger and have to shine a light up there to find it again.

Marie: Melda, ew. Just ew.

I own nothing. Especially (thankfully) not Snape's boogers.

(^J^)

Marie started to explain, but was interrupted by the cresendo of a Beethoven symphony. Ellie jumped and threw her EDGAR to the ground. "What the hell is that thing?" She demanded angrily. Marie snatched it up before Ellie could stomp on the poor phone.

"Hello?" She listened for a second and her eyes widened. She clapped a hand over the speaker. "It's Incarnadine!" She began running wildly in a circle like a chicken with its head cut off. "What are we gonna do?"

Ellie snorted cruelly. "Who names their kid Incarnadine? He sounds like a brand of Mexican sausage. Who in their right mind would name a kid like a sausage?"

Snape's lip curled. "Dr. Frank-N-Furtur."

Marie bit her lip worriedly, but forced a cheerful tone in addressing her boss. "Hiyah, Carni! Yeah, Ellie can't talk right now. She's having female issues."

"I am not! And stop calling me that!" Growled the amnesiac in question.

Marie sighed. "Yes, yes. Very serious. She'll call you back after we make a run...to...um..Victoria's Secret! Bye!" She shut the EDGAR off and wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Man, that was close!" She ran up to Ellie and tried to hug her. Ellie dodged out and a flicker of hurt crossed Marie's face. "Don't worry, everyone, if anyone could get Ellie back to normal, it'd be me! I'll make her right as butterscotch in a jiffy!"

"That's not how the saying goes!" Ellie rudely snapped.

Marie gave her a sad look, but determinedly picked up where she left off. "Well, it all happened about nine years ago."

~FLASHBACK~

Marie stood behind the counter of Jen & Berry's Ice Cream Parlour looking bored as she cleaned. Working in that place was not as eventful as she'd hoped, but she'd needed a steady job to help pay off her loans from college. She would be graduating next year and she planned on travelling to other countries or doing something exciting like a safari to celebrate and keep her on her toes.

She held up a glass for inspection. The dishwasher hadn't been working well recently. The ding of a bell made her look up and smile.

A young woman that seemed to be more or less a few years her senior was staring around at the 50s decorum with detatched interest. She had long red hair and piercing grey eyes. She was dressed in a crisp blue pantsuit that fit her so well that it must have been taylor-made. "May I help you?" Marke asked brightly.

"You probably can." She replied stiffly. "I am Agent Forrester from the FBI and I'm here looking for..." She took a folded up document from her pocket,glanced at it, then put it away again. "Marie M. Radcliffe."

Her smile faded and she became confused. What would the FBI want with her? "Um, you're talking to her, babydoll."

Agent Forrester glared coldly at her. "Please call me nothing other than my title."

Marie began to feel slightly afraid. She hadn't done anything wrong! At least, nothing that she knew of.."Would you tell me what I've supposedly done wrong? I'm very busy." She glanced behind her and an idea formed. Maybe if she gave the Agent a free ice cream, then she wouldn't scowl at her like she was doing now. "Hey, I have to get rid of the rest of this chocolate ice cream before the end of my shift or my pay is deducted. Would you do me a favor and take it? The cost's on me!"

Agent Forrest's expression went from confused, to shocked, to suspicious in the course of only a couple of seconds. She didn't answer even as Marie shoved the heavily laden cone into her hand. "Thank you, but I'm still going to have to investigate you. I don't take bribes." She said proudly.

"Oh, it wasn't a bribe." Marie wasn't sure, but she thought she might have read somewhere that bribing a law official had serious consequences. So she was quick to refute the idea that it was such a thing. "I..I, erm...just thought you didn't look very happy, so I wanted to cheer you up!"

Still suspicious, Eleanor raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah, that's all. I swear!"

"Humph. Alright. Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're wanted on suspicion of mail fraud."

"WHAT!" Marie could not believe what she'd just heard! Mail fraud? "That's not possible!"

Agent Forrester nodded. "There have been numerous complaints registered by people who are missing items mailed to them. The FBI traced these missing packages and realized that they had all been redirected to a warehouse rented under your name where they were subsequently auctioned off." She finished off her cone, wiped her hands on a napkin and got up. "Well, I've got to take you to my superiors, so follow me out to the car. You don't seem like the type to break and run, but remember that it's worse for you if you do." Checking to make sure Marie was right behind her, she walked out of the parlour and unlocked her car.

Marie walked sullenly outside. She was crossing the street when she heard an eardrum-bursting roar pull up next to her. Inwardly, she groaned. "Marie! Hi! I was just coming to pick you up for our date!"

A motorcycle, loud and painted with custom blue flames, had screeched to a stop only three feet from her. Agent Forrester whipped around and narrowed her eyes at the girl riding it. Marie sighed heavily. "Amelia, first off, there was never a date. I am straight, remember? Secondly, now is really not the time."

Amelia took off her helmet ande shook out her long blonde hair. She returned the agent's glare. "Who's the redhead givin' me the stinkeye? Was she hitting on you?" She frowned and got off her Harley. "Hey, you. Buzz off. She's already got a girlfriend!" She barked.

Marie blushed deep red. "Amelia! I'm not your girlfriend. We are only friends!" She tugged Amelia back by the sleeve of her leather jacket. To Agent Forrester, she gave an apologetic look. "I'm so sorry about this, she always shows up at the most random and inopportune times."

"Marie, if that girl is bothering you..." Amelia growled threateningly. "Nobody bothers my Marie. Marie, I will rescue you from her bothersome presence!" She grabbed her and lifted her bodily onto the bike. She hopped on and Agent Forrester ran towards them with her gun drawn. She fired a few warning shots, but Amelia paid no heed. She simply revved her engine in revolt, made a U-turn in the middle of the road and sped off.

Agent Forrester followed them through town so closely that the FBI-issued vehicle was almost caressing the bumper of Amelia's bike. She wrapped her arms around Amelia's waist and clung there for dear life. She didn't have a helmet and the wind was ripping painfully at her hair.

"Hold on, love!" What did Amelia think she was doing? She got a peek at the speedometer and squeaked. 110?! They were doing 110 mph _downhill_ in the middle of town!

They ran a red light with Agent Forrester hot on their trail. "You're going to _kill_ us." Marie screamed as they drove right through a busy intersection, barely missing a tractor trailer pulling into the turning lane.

~ (^J^)~

"Wait, wait." Gimli interrupted suddenly. "Is this the same Amelia who crashed our wedding? And who locked me in a broom closet in order to try to marry you?"

Marie smiled nostalgically. "Yep, she's a nice girl. A bit overenthusiastic, but nice. She's not infatuated with me anymore, though we're still friends. She's got a real girlfriend now. I'm happy for her. And it was kind of flattering how much she admired me."

Jareth facepalmed and shook his head. "Oh, Marie..."

"Back to the story! Anyway, Ellie was chasing us down mainstreet and-"

~Flashback~

A long line of cars was fast approaching in their line of sight. Marie was screaming her head off and Agent Forrester was honking her horn like mad. Apparently, there had been an accident up ahead and now all traffic was blocked. This did not deter Amelia.

She made a sharp (illegal) right on red and pulled into the parking lot of a Wal*Mart. She dragged Marie, who was protesting all the way, into the store. "Have a sticker!" Said the welcome lady and stuck one wherever on their persons she could reach. So Marie ended up with a smiley sticker on her forehead and Amelia was sporting one on the seat of her pants.

Amelia grabbed a shopping cart and threw Marie into the basket, then pushed while running as hard as she could. Marie clutched the sides of the cart with a death grip as Amelia powered the both of them down the aisles. Left and right, innocent shoppers were forced to leap out of harm's way. Somebody called security and soon they had joined the chase, too.

Agent Forrester was running right behind them, though she was obviously winded by this time. Marie shouted to her, hoping that this wouldn't land her in jail. "I'm sorry, this was not my idea!"

Amelia ended up barging into the greenhouse at the back of the store. She zipped past the plants and nearly lost control of the limited steering when they hit a garden hose, but ultimately made it back out into the parking lot through a side door. From there, she abandoned the cart, lugged Marie back onto her motorcycle and managed to pull away just in time. Now they were on a back road which split off behind the Wal*Mart from the main road.

It was dusty and the bike kicked up a lot of gravel that narrowly missed Marie's head and legs. Amelia pressed on while everyone's favorite agent, who had somehow still managed not to lose them, carried on her relentless pursuit. She was once again so close that the bumpers were kissing cousins and Marie closed her eyes, fearing a crash. All she could see was blood and gore spattered across the pavement and oh God, she didn't want to die...

"We're gonna take a short cut!" Amelia laughed maniacally and gunned the engine again before ducking forward to decrease drag. Marie gritted her teeth and figured, if she lived through this, that she was going to spend money on something completely nonsensical. Her possibly criminally insane friend had inadvertantly abducted her and was now leading them both on a crash course to the morgue. This was almost becoming normal now, strangely enough. The sharp left turn did not jar her as much as it would have two hours ago.

As it turned out, the intended shortcut was through a zoo. Waldman's Zoological Wonders of the World, to be quite specific. Ironically, the bike's gas gauge showed that the poor abused machine was running on vapours even as they pulled up in front of the ornate gates. Amelia once again hauled her towards the entrance with Agent Forrester just a few feet behind, gun drawn and loaded, shouting at the top of her lungs.

Woe to the homeless man who happened to cross Amelia's path with his loaded shopping cart at that moment. "Sorry, gotta borrow this." She said before tossing Marie in the basket with all of the random items he owned. The homeless man pouted, sat down on the pavement and put his head in his hands. Marie frowned. "You shouldn't have done that, Amelia." She scolded.

"Oh, Marie. You're so cute when you care about other people!"

"What is with that woman and shopping carts?!" Gasped Agent Forrester as she nabbed a skateboard from a passing teenager after flashing her FBI ID. She took off after them at breakneck speed past the elephant exhibit, through the aquarium tunnel, and right by the aviary where tropical birds called out their displeasure at having a shopping cart careening through their man-made jungle. They were crossing a bridge when the left front wheel caught in a pothole.

The cart bucked forward, launching Marie headfirst into the boughs of a Sweet Gum tree while Amelia merely tumbled forward head over heels. Instead of fleeing, the captivity-reared bird which had been residing in the tree began to violently peck Marie's forehead. Marie scrambled down the tree, still dazed and helped Amelia to her feet. "Can we stop now?" She inquired wearily.

"No! We must press on!" Amelia yanked Marie towards a tiny nondescript building that lay a few hundred yards ahead. "We've got to hide!"

"In there?" Marie shrieked, back in full panic mode. "You're kidding! They keep lions in there!" There was a sign right above the door that read 'Big Cat Well-Fare' in red letters.

"Only sick ones. We'll be fine!" She assured her with a sweetness that belied her inner complete insanity.

Meanwhile, inside, a very sad thing was about to happen. A lioness had abandoned her cub. It was her first cub and she was refusing to nurse it. The veterinary technicians had tried to bottle-feed the poor cub, but it stubbornly refused to eat. Over the past few days it had grown weaker and weaker despite repeated attempts to save its life. Finally, the only thing that could be done was to humanely put the animal down.

Everyone was heavy hearted as they prepared the needle and wrapped the cub in a warm blanket. "Sorry, baby girl." Said one as she wiped away a tear.

Just then the doors burst open and two young women came zooming in. One slammed the door shut behind her and slid down the length of it to sit on the floor. The other saw the cub and smiled kindly. "Aww, I guess baby lions aren't so bad." The vets, too stunned to protest, did not stop her when Marie petted the doomed cub. She looked up at them and saw the needle. "Is she here for shots or something?"

"N-no, she's actually...we have to put her down."

Marie froze in the act of petting the cub, who had warmed up to her considerably. "Why? Is she sick?"

"No, her mother didn't accept her and we can't get her to nurse from a bottle." Said the vet sadly. "We couldn't let her starve to death, so we're trying to give her a peaceful, painless death."

Marie bit her lip and averted her eyes to the cold white tile floor. "Oh..." She had stilled her petting, but the female cub wasn't having that. She nudged her hand weakly with her nose. Marie's gaze shot up to meet the tiny predator's and she saw something there. A defiant will to live that made her smile and want to cry at the same time. "Give me the bottle." She said to the vet.

"Er..what?"

"Give. Me. The. Bottle." Marie enunciated every syllable and kept her eyes locked on the cub. The vet glanced around at her peers, trying to silently get their opinions. They all nodded. What did they have to lose?

A new bottle of special formula was prepared and handed over to Marie. Marie offered the bottle and, to everyone else's amazement, the cub began to suckle. Little streams of milk leaked out of its mouth and down its chin as it grew bolder and sucked harder. "Oh my goodness! You're so adorable!" Amelia gushed, barely stopping herself from glomping her little friend.

"Does this mean you won't have to put her down?" Marie asked nervously, holding the cub tight to her chest in a protective way. The veterinary team's representative shook her head, a wide grin on her face and tears of relief in her eyes. Marie tickled its whiskers playfully. "If I get a license to own a big cat, I could adopt her." She said more to herself than to the others. "Would the zoo let me adopt her?"

The three vets discussed this quietly in the opposite corner of the room. As one, they nodded. "If it is in the cub's best interest, then yes. However, there's a lot of red tape to go through and there's a huge cost involved. You have to have more than five acres as well as the proper fencing and lots of food to prevent nutritional deficiencies."

Marie bit her lip, but was steadfast with her decision. "I haven't got a lot of money, but I'm going to see what I can do." She finished feeding the cub. "I'm not sure what happened here, but she seems to really like me."

The vet nodded in agreement. "It's possible that you're the only one who can get her to drink. Would you stay here with us to help her? We could explain the situation to our boss."

Amelia and Marie both heard the slam of a car door. Amelia cursed and tried to pull Marie towards the door again. "We've got to get going! Sorry, no time!" Marie tried again to tug her arm away, but it was in like being stuck in a vice.

The vet hurriedly unwrapped the decorative silk scarf that Marie'd been wearing. "This has your scent. We'll try feeding her again, but we'll rub the bottle with this first, okay? It could definitely help." Marie did not have time to answer before they were out the door and Amelia had righted the shopping cart, scooped all of the strange things back in it, and hoisting her friend (girlfriend in her mind) into the basket.

Thankfully, (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) the path leading to the exit was both downhill _and _paved. Marie thanked her lucky stars as the shopping cart gained speed. Amelia didn't bother stopping to pay, she simply threw a twenty at the man who was collecting payment for visiting the zoo. They raced through into the back parking lot and out into the main road. What a sight they must have been on the interstate with hundreds of cars passing a couple of girls driving a shopping cart at twenty miles per hour while vehicles were passing at about eighty.

Amelia was tiring, though. Even someone who had won nationals in Track eight years in a row during their high school and college years would be tired of alternating between running, riding and pushing a shopping cart in the middle of summer on the highway. Marie, seeing her chance to stop this futile effort and perhaps save her reputation, convinced her to make a stop in at a convenience store. Though, _stop_ would be a very strong word for what Amelia did. She simply coasted into the Pillowz gas station while some unlucky customer held the door open and grabbed a bottle of water, an energy bar, and, because she was feelin' lucky, a lottery ticket. She paid for it all in a blur and then zipped out of the store. Unfortunately for them both, she didn't see the car pulling in and the bumper lightly tapped the side of the cart.

There was a metallic crash as one of the shopping cart's wheels snapped and, now fully unsteerable, it ran into the brick wall of the store. Agent Forrester stood at the curb with the borrowed skateboard leaning against her leg, panting hard, one hand holding a Glock and the other clutching her side. "Stop..*huff*...for the love of all that is magic, please tell me I've actually...*puff*...caught you this time!"

Amelia laughed nervously, hands in the air. "Alright, you got us. Just put the damn gun down before you shoot somebody important...like her or me!" She furrowed her brow. "What the hell have you got a gun for, anyway? I've heard of some persistant suitors, but sheesh!"

Marie sighed. "Amelia, I've been trying to tell you this the whole time, but you wouldn't listen." She gestured at the agent, who had just been handed a glass of water and looked like she was about to pass out. "This lady is from the FBI and she was investigating claims against me for mail fraud. I'm innocent, of course, but she was only doing her job. She wasn't flirting with me or trying to be creepy."

Amelia had the decency to look abashed. "Oh."

"Yeah," Snapped Agent Forrester. " '_Oh_.' " After catching her breath, she marched up to Marie. "I have never gone through so much trouble to apprehend anyone in my entire life!"

Marie apologized. "This kind of thing happens to me on almost a daily basis, I'm afraid. There was this one time with my cousin at Six Flags-"

The Agent held up a shaking hand. "Enough. I've been through too much today to hear about any other crazy adventure!"

"Are..are you alright?" Marie asked cautiously, afraid that she would be snapped at again.

Agent Forrester was shaking hard and bent over, her hands braced on her knees. "Alright?" She straightened up and Marie realized she was grinning and chuckling. "I'm better than alright! I haven't done anything that awesome in forever! Thanks for the ride!" Her face darkened. "It's a shame that I have to give you over to the authorities, but thanks anyway." She scribbled down a name on a scrap of paper and handed it to Marie. "Here's the name and number of a good lawyer."

"Um..ah..thanks, I guess." Marie mumbled, her gloom returned.

~(^J^)~

"Not to interrupt this absolutely _captivating_ tale," Snape cut in, his tone heavily spiced with sarcasm. "But my question is how in the bloody-arsed world did you manage to land a job with the post after being accused of fraud?"

Marie scowled, put out. "I was _getting_ to that part, okay? Now where was I...?"

"The end?" Snape suggested hopefully.

Hatter plucked the professor on his abnormally large nose. "Hey now, meanie-pants. Stop picking on the small cute one. Or Ah'll stitch mah handkerchief ta yer arse."

~Flashback~

Marie bounced out of court bearing a grin. The lawyer Emory Daniels was indeed excellent at his job. Though the main reason she had not been convicted was due to the unexpected rooting out of the true culprit. The man in question was working at the post office so it was easy for him to redirect packages. Apparently, the warehouse was rented in Marie's name simply by coincidence. He'd picked a random alias and used that to set up the deal.

By all means, she was scot-free. Although, her absences from the Jen & Berrys also meant that she was fired. Now that all of the trouble was taken care of, she had to find a job. That wasn't going to be easy, though. She mulled over her recent unemployment with a bittersweet attitude. It was about time she changed jobs, anyway.

"Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to be Marie Burke, would you?" She turned to see a sandy-haired older man dressed in an odd neon orange suit clutching a piece of paper tightly in one hand. He also seemed a bit nervous.

"Yes, that's my name." She chuckled. "And it's gotten me into quite a bit of trouble, too. Are you a reporter?"

He rubbed his neck ruefully. "Well, no. I'm not. I read about you, though. That chase was really interesting."

"I guess it was pretty fun. If you minus all of the parts where I could have died." She shrugged. "I'm sad that my friend Amelia's judge really threw the book at her. It was just a simple mistake on her part."

The man nodded and offered her his hand. "I apologize for being rude. My name is Incarnadine and I'd like to offer you a job working for my postal service." She shot him a confused look. "You see, you seem like the kind of person that my work requires. You like adventures, right? Crazy, off-the-wall, random things that can pop up anywhere at any time simply because you're around?"

She jumped up and down excitedly. "Yeah! I mean, that absolutely describes me, but how can working for the post office be all that exciting?"

He smiled mysteriously. "Well, it's not usually. At least, not for _normal_ post offices. But my postal service is nowhere close to normal. We attend to a very special clientel that tend to live far away in exotic locations. I haven't really gotten the business entirely on its feet yet, so you'll be one of my first employees. What do you say, my dear?"

She grinned broadly. "I say, you've got yourself a deal, Mr. Carni!"

~ (^J^)~

"I didn't know that Fuji's father was your lawyer, Marie." Alex interjected.

The fight with Candle-you-know-who had subsided and the dust cloud had settled with everyone returned, including the characters from Scandanavia and the World, who were looking more than just a little confused. Gandalf, who'd also been Jack-napped, leaned heavily on his staff and mumbled about how he was getting too old for this."Three hundred lives of men I have walked the earth...and I can't even get social security!" He moaned.

"What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?" Hatter inquired. "Please, do tell me. I have no idea what the price of tea in China is."

"So that's how that happened." Aragorn said, giving the other two characters strange looks. Perhaps the fight with Candle-he-shan't-be-spoken-of had addled their brains? "But what about Ellie, Jeremy, and Alex?"

Jeremy, who was still nursing his rope burns from his scuffle with Candle-you-know-who, sat down heavily beside Marie. Marie reached into her pocket and pulled out a pack of baby wipes. "You've got a smudge right there." She rubbed it away in a motherly fashion.

"Thanks. Marie, do you mind if I tell the story from this point? I was there when Alex and Ellie were hired, after all, I am a Castle Perilous canon character." Marie happily handed him the talking stick and he went on to explain the details.

~(^J^)~

Jeremy had not believed Incarnadine when he first heard the King's idea. He thought it was a simple whim, the interest in which would fade over time. Besides, who would ever believe that there could be an Intercanonary postal service? Of course, it would be very convenient and give everyone something to do, so he reluctantly volunteered to help put things into motion.

Technically, his job was to supervise the portals, bring them up when needed and basically do what he had been doing before this crazy plan was thought up. In addition to this, however, he was also required to recruit new employees. He'd already convinced a substantial amount of people by himself, which was why he was sceptical when Incarnadine asked to help with the process.

Well, more like whined, prodded, and wore more obnoxious clothes than usual just to force him into allowing it. So, as a test run, Jeremy pushed him into the Real World portal that led to Earth. When Incarnadine came back with Marie, Jerry began to panic. "We need...professionals." He hissed behind his hand to the King as they watched Marie put on (and be dwarfed by) her uniform. "Not whatever she is!"

~(^J^) All will become one with mother Russia, da?~

"Hey!"

Jerry shrugged. "Sorry, Marie. Anyway..."

~Flashback~

Incarnadine remained convinced that his decision had been correct, that there was something in Marie that his business needed. But, as the days passed with Marie getting into weird and sometimes mystical situations as often as three times a day, it was clear that something had to be done. The last straw came when what shall only be known as The Banana Boat Incident happened.

Marie came in from Peaceful Pines (a town in the Beetlejuice canon) covered in a mysterious green slime, giggling, and carrying a terrified turtle under one arm. "Daaay-O, me say Daaaay-O!" She sang loudly and off-key. "A beautiful bunch a ripe banana! Hide de deadly black tarantula!" She petted the turtle. "I'm gonna call you Michelle!"

Jeremy and Incarnadine shared a look, then the king sighed. "Marie, it's time I got you a partner. And I know just who we need. In fact, I'm going to go get her right now."

"Really? I've always wanted one!" She gently placed the turtle in the aquarium of the library where it simply chilled out because turtles are cool like that. "Can you wrap her up like a present so it's a surprise? I adore surprises!" She thought for a minute. "If you do that, don't forget to put air holes in!"

Jeremy snickered while Incarnadine rubbed his temples. "Will do." He snickered until Incarnadine left, which was when he realized that _he _was the one left with Marie, who was dripping slime onto the carpet, and the stoner turtle.

While Jeremy scrubbed slime stains out of the library carpet, Incarnadine was out hunting down Agent Forrester. Agent Forrester had managed to keep up with Marie's adventure and that was a miracle to behold. Looking back, he realized that it would have been smarter to make them a package deal right from the start.

Because he was gifted with magic that was effective both in the Real World as well as in his own canon, the king was able to find the agent with a tracking spell. He rung the doorbell and waited on the stoop, his heart beating fast. "Can I help you?"

He scrambled to his feet. "Ah, yes. My name is Incarnadine, how do you do?"

"I'd be better without the small talk." She scowled at him. "Cut to the chase, what do you want?"

"I want to offer you a position."

"I already have a job." She was about to slam the door in his face, but he caught it and held it open.

"Am I speaking with Eleanor Vidya Forrester?" He asked politely.

"Yes." She replied curtly.

"Then you know Marie Radcliffe. You were the one who caught up with her."

"She was innocent. Case closed. Who cares anymore?" She snarled and tried to force the door closed. He shoved hard against it. Impressed by his strength and persistance, she ceased her efforts for the moment. "What does she have to do with anything?"

Incarnadine had never, ever bowed to anyone in his whole life. But now he kneeled and clasped his hands together. "Please, we hired her and now we need someone to control her! She's insane! She could destroy us all in our sleep with jam preserves! I'm begging you, please!"

Agent Forrester thought it over. "Hm. The FBI is kinda boring me, perhaps-."

"Hey, Eleanor, who're you talking to?" Alex appeared over her shoulder.

"Do you have job for my brother, too?" She asked immediately. "Something to do with his hands, preferably."

The king scratched his head. "Um, he could work on making gadgets and stuff for us. We haven't gotten anyone to work on progressive Intercanonary technology yet, so sure."

"Then done." They shook hands and he pulled up a portal. Alex and Eleanor stared at it with awe in their eyes.

"Oh, and one last thing, can I wrap you both up in Christmas-patterned wrapping paper?"

Jeremy and Marie were waiting back in the library when Incarnadine returned. Marie and Agent Forrester regarded each other politely, at least, until Marie was unable to restrain herself and launched a hug-attack. "Hi! I know you!" She burst out giggling. "Are you my new partner? Or is he?"

"I'm your new partner." Ex-Agent Forrester sighed. "You might as well call me Eleanor now."

Marie frowned. "Eleanor is a nice name, don't get me wrong, but it sounds a bit stuffy. I think I'll call you Ellie. It's sweet. And sweets belong to the sweet!"

Jeremy smirked. "You really have your job cut out for you, miss."

Newly christened Ellie couldn't help a tiny quirk of her lips as she listened to Marie babble on and on. "Oh, I don't know about that. She's not that bad. Actually, she's entertaining. I think I'm gonna like working with her." Her brother chuckled and she quickly added. "But not too much."

~(^J^)~

"You know, smothering people with peach jam while they sleep really isn't that hard." Marie said with a cute, creepy smile. Everyone took a step back from her.

Ellie raised an eyebrow. "I don't know who you are, but I like your style."

Marie's smile melted. "Y-you still don't remember? You really don't remember me?" She started to cry a little. "E-ellie! We're b-best friends!" She turned on Hatter. "This is all your fault! Why did you give her the fucking brain bleach in the first place?" She slammed a nearby email with her fist. "There's only one person in the entire world who's ever acted like a real friend to me! Sure, she's a bit violent and sarcastic, but I love her that way. We've been together for so long that I don't know what I'll do without her." She bowed her head, breaking down into sobs. Whatever she was saying after that came out as unintelligible hiccups.

Ellie frowned hard. Those of the group who had known Marie for a long time were too shocked to do anything besides gape at her outburst. Even Snape was without a comment and Gimli was too shaken by his wife's uncharacteristic behavior to even move to comfort her.

Legolas shook off his sadness and shock and bravely approached Ellie. She tensed. "Hello," He said softly. "We haven't talked ever talked much, even when you knew me, but please believe me when I say that, although I did not witness those events, everything that Marie and Jeremy said is true." She gave him a blank look.

Alex put his arm around her. "As far as I know, they aren't lying to you. Eleanor, try to remember."

Legolas took her hand gently. "Look at her, Ellie. No one is that good of an actor. She's telling the truth. She loves you, we all do."

Ellie blinked a few times and a few hazy images flashed through her mind's eye. Partially-remembered memories of her and the other woman laughing and carrying large burlap sacks of...of..letters to lots of places. Always together, very few had them doing something apart. Hesitantly, she walked over and laid a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, it's gonna be alright. Don't cry, don't cry.."

"You don't even know my name, Ellie." Her nose was so red that it looked like a cherry. It was unnerving how much like a child this full-grown woman looked and acted.

"Don't cry.."It was..it started with an N, right? No, that's not right. It started with an M..Murial? Merry? No. Marleen? Mary? No, no, no! What was it? Marmelade? Marsten? "Marie?" She said aloud.


End file.
